I often get that feeling of helplessness. Overwhelming, hanging above me, creeping out of the corners of the streets, hiding in my cupboards and sneaking out of my locker. It comes during not-specified time of the day and year. In not obvious shape or form either.
The sensation of this “thing” in the air. I cannot name or call it. I can yell at it or rather try as I can’t even point the exact direction, where I should yell towards. I am not even completely sure why I yell at it. Maybe it’s just pure frustration, unbearable sense of disconnection, impatience, fear? Or maybe it is a good feeling after all? Maybe it is the essence of my self-motivation..my drive and ambition. My passion?
I can only assume you all know the feeling I’ve just described. Maybe not from the same reasons as I do though. I feel this way recently and not sure why. I keep telling myself and the others that “I am stressed with uni work and want it to be finished!” but now as I am writing this, I am thinking “is that true?”. I have had similar thoughts and feelings before in many situations and reasons do not usually seem obvious at first. Time and perspective can help with identifying them.
I have decided to participate in many activities and programmes this year. Volunteering, social action campaign, painting classes, leadership programme, recipe development for a company….and uni, gym and work. But I have always been the person, who cannot sit in one place. I used to feel miserable if I hadn’t been doing a lot during the day. I have been going like this for some time now and for the last couple of weeks I have been feeling down. You know, when you get to the point that you have so many things to do, you prefer to keep skipping and avoiding them? Every small task, even sorting out the clothes laying on the floor, seems like a lot. Yeah, that is where I am right now. Could spend whole days in my bed.
So I am getting up and trying to do my best to fulfil, what fulfilled should be. I keep reminding myself that everything here is for us to use it and source from it. Everything on Earth. That is why I have taken up all these challenges. That is why I have nothing to fear, right? That is why the worst thing that can happen is… yeah, what is that? Nothing.
In the end, even though I feel overwhelmed, I keep pushing and going forward. I am finished with my assignments a month before their due, I do what I can little by little, step by step. I am not failing at any point so far…so why am I feeling anxious? Is this the rule of our world, way of living, the normal state of things? This constant chatter in our heads. This cannot-meditate-any-longer state of mind. One thought after another. Tick-tock, ticking bomb. Sea of thoughts, keeping us under the surface, dragging us down with every single wave, while we choking with frustration. I can’t even imagine, what people without a certain level of immunity go through, as I believe I have a relatively high level of it within.
Is there any cure for it? Is my way of dealing with these feelings valid or is it only just “covering” bigger issues, which will come up later on, even bigger and stronger? Can these feelings be motivating? I think it is all relative. And definitely – perspective matters. Although, sometimes we all may feel like we don’t have anyone, I have friends, people to talk to. I can see how environment and people around can influence and help with dealing with being anxious. Let’s not be afraid to talk to each other.
So… I am choosing these overwhelming thoughts and feelings to be my motor! Something, which drives my passion and builds the foundations of my ambition. If I can win this battle within myself and with myself – I can win any battle! And you can do it too!
Don’t let anything or anyone, not even yourself, point these feelings into the wrong direction. Shape them, use them and build something for yourself. Something meaningful and something, which will make YOU proud of YOURSELF. And again – you are not alone. Go talk to someone. Come and talk to me.
By Ania Switala
See her blog here: http://www.thesocraticparadox.co.uk/